I had been doing alternate day fasting and losing a lot of weight, having good energy and was going well – until I wasn’t. I couldn’t eat on my non-fasting days. Lost my appetite. Became anxious, depressed and freaked out. Had seizure symptoms but the ketosis kept at bay at least. End up ugly crying during a bike ride.
I don’t know why I spun out so hard last week, but fucking hell. I don’t know if carnivore is a panacea – maybe that pancreas has a purpose and a few carbs help balance the brain chemicals, idk, I also had non-stop diarrhea when I did eat and lost my electrolytes so I was so screwed. I had a horrible arthritis flare up too so my fingers look like I have marbles in them and it was dark and rainy non-stop AND fucking cold. Damn it.
I HATE cloudy dark days man. I hate the rain and I hate the cold.
Finally it cleared off today around 1pm so I went for a walk and then to the store with Jason and am now sitting outside sunning.
I went to the doctor but my blood work came back very good. I wasn’t even low on vitamin D. It was great honestly, first great blood work maybe ever, idk.
I’ve been spun out and mentally just totally fucked up.
Maybe it’s the cancer scare with J, we’re awaiting the biopsy. He was on the GLP-1 and it screwed him up and he wouldn’t listen to anyone about it. He kept going that he wasn’t hungry, wasn’t eating and had cravings under control then I would find him mindlessly eating some high calorie junk – and I don’t know if he realized he was doing that. He was mystified at the weight gain while also losing muscle. He looks sick.
I’m outside, there is a bird at the bath I setup.
I painted this morning and started on my first piece for the living room. It’s going exactly as planned which is a first.
Been listening to an audio book about Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, I think I keep calling her Collins my bad. Those old classic actresses had so much presence and attitude. Marvelous really. They kept that hunger for success, moved ever forward, had a pitbull mentality. Man, I am not like that. I’m like, success? How about you leave me alone to quietly read and draw.
It’s July 3rd, Bouy 10 started early this year – there is some weird energy in the air, it’s really charged and a lot of people in town. It’s better than the constant dark skies.
Old Poutou caught a bird a second ago, and the others are still eating seeds around the body….like I think they should be a little more respectful to the fallen. Poutou doesn’t fuck about, he dispatched that bird in one bite. He didn’t play with it, he didn’t mess about and frolick, he just grabbed it up and that was that. For a cat pushing 20 – not bad old man. It was one of the house finches of which there are a quad-million at every feeder.
In town and around this weekend there is a ton of trucks with American flags. I wonder if it’s for the 250th Anniversary or if there is some kind of political unease that I haven’t been tuned into because I know it’s bullshit. Hmm.
Anyway, that’s all for this week. I hope I feel better next week and not so strung out and ‘hyper real’ and fucked up. Man, my dreams – it’s like they’re not mine. I usually have the same kind of tempo and location per dream but not lately. I have no fucking idea what’s up with my brain. Asians, plots, meaning in small things like strips of Zucchini on a plate, a ball thrown at the fair, plots within plots. Details that you have to be in on the inside to know and everything falling apart. Yeah, I don’t know but I’ve had a lot of foreboding lately but it’s just probably a lack of food, extreme weight loss and stress / freak out.
