Giant tumor. The CT with contrast came back and I barely have any room in my abdomen at all. It goes up way past my stomach and it sits on my bladder and crowds out my stomach and squishes my intestines up into a corner. It was….absolutely shocking really. It’s far larger than a baseball.
In June I have to get a biopsy and they’re getting my surgery lined up (hopefully). It’s not a simply surgery. They have to go in from two different places, put stints in my bladder and make a large incision like a C-section.
My mental hasn’t been good. It’s not good at all. I think it’s just foggy maybe from taking benedryl to sleep and Lorezapam for panic. I miss being in ketosis but I can’t digest fat very well honestly. But I think I could do lower carb. I don’t know, I am foggy and I can’t picture a future for myself anymore. Anytime I try to picture the future it’s just a mist really, there is nothing there anymore.
I dreamed I was trying to contact my Dad and email him, he was in Wisconsin (he’s never been to Wisconsin) but I was telling him he would live to 90 and be okay – but he didn’t and he isn’t. I think if I could talk to my parents I would feel a bit better about everything. My parents and family would be like, phew’ aunti Em had a tumor twice that size, it out lived her by three years and we were sad when it went! They would remind me it’s just not a big deal at all, barely anything. “I had a leg blown off, reattached it and brought in the hay before it rained!”
Then I found out that Scott Adams has cancer and it’s very upsetting. I spent a couple of days crying. I was absolutely gutted. I don’t agree with him all the time, maybe 2/3 on a good week. But I have massive respect for him and he’s been my online uncle Adams with the coffee for … gees since 2021? 2020? I don’t know, it’s been awhile. He had some of the most original “self-help” (how to think) books that I’ve read, and I’ve read them all. His ideas on talent-stacking, the dog that isn’t barking, 20-25% of people all of the time (variation on Pareto) and many other things are second nature to my thinking now and I know I will re-read or listen on Audible to his books again. The books are my go-to for gifts to young people. They’re invaluable in other words. I thought he had the kind of plot armor that would see him into his 90’s and well beyond my life span. Maybe they will find something to help him… I pray for him several times a day but I don’t know anything can be done. I wish he wasn’t suffering. 🙁 See I’m about to cry again, I’m all kinds of a mess these days I guess. I genuinely care about that internet stranger, he’s inspired me, infuriated me – and on Christmas Day I joined him for coffee surprised he was broadcasting, “some people don’t have anyone to spend Christmas morning with” he said and so he broadcasted. At a certain point he switched from news to kinda cheering up his audience and giving them some companionship and “having that one talkative friend you just listen to.” And for an introvert like me who hates to carry a conversation – it was magical. Damn it Scott. You’re not allowed to be ill and you’re not allowed to leave us damn it.
